Unused sketch #1: The Game They Play in Heaven

Nghia Mai
3 min readJan 2, 2025

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Premise

This sketch is about a local minister in an unnamed village in the West of Scotland, who is also a part-time community rugby coach. Because of that, he follows ‘the game they play in heaven’ religiously and hilarity ensues.

MINISTER BOYLE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF CHURCH, CALM, WITH A HYMN BOOK IN HIS HAND.

MB: If you would please turn to our second hymn of the service.

BEAT

MB (singing): O Flower of Scotland, when will we see, your likes again…

REVEAL: MINISTER BOYLE WEARING A PAIR OF RUGBY SHORTS AND BOOTS WITH HIS BLACK SHIRT AND COLLAR.

CONGREGATION MEMBERS ARE LINED UP TO RECEIVE COMMUNION. MINISTER BOYLE MAKES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS OVER THE CONGREGATION MEMBERS AS THEY PASS

MB: Touch, pause, engage. His blood split for us

SQUIRTS LUCOZADE IN THEIR MOUTH

MB: His body broken for us

HE SHOVES AN ORANGE SLICE IN THEIR MOUTHS

MINISTER BOYLE SITS IN FRONT OF AN ALTAR

MB:Our Father in heaven,

Hallowed be your name,

Tries will come,

Scrums be won,

On the pitch as it is in Heaven.

Give us today a good score

Forgive our eye gouges

As we eye gouge those who play against us

Lead us not to wooden spoon

But deliver us the Calcutta Cup

For thine is the touchdown, the try

And the conversion

In the name of the father, The son

And…BILL MCCLAREN. Amen.

SHOW AN ALTAR WITH A PICTURE OF BILL MCLAREN.

BACK TO:

MB (singing): And stood against him,

Congregation Member: ‘GAINST WHO

MB: Proud Edward’s army,

Congregation Member: WAN-

MINISTER BOYLE PULLS OUT A WHISTLE AND YELLOW CARD.

MB: That’s it, sin bin!

THE OTHER CONGREGATION MEMBERS BOO

CUT TO: CONFESSION BOOTH

THE MINISTER AND A COUPLE STAND OVER A BAPTISMAL FONT. THE COUPLE HAND OVER THE BABY, THEY’RE CHEERY. MINISTER BOYLE HOLDS THE BABY OUT, AND STRAINS AT THE WEIGHT OF IT.

MB: She’s definitely going to be a hooker

Husband: What?

MB: She’s a big fella, ought to be a good ball handler

Wife: Excuse me!

MB: All I’m saying is she’ll be good at being rough with the fellas

HUSBAND AND WIFE STAND IN SHOCK

MB: Yes, she’ll be good in the scrum

THE COUPLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN RELIEF.

A COUPLE APPROACH, THE DAD HAS A BABY UNDER HIS ARM. MINISTER BOYLE RUNS UP TO THEM, STRIPS THE BABY FROM THE DAD LIKE A RUGBY BALL AND HANDS OFF THE DAD.

MB: Minister Boyle has won the ball back in the dying minutes of the game! Scotland only need 3 points to win the game.

THE COUPLE LOOK ON IN HORROR

MB: He’s in the pocket, he takes his chance.

THE COUPLE’S EYES FOLLOW THE PATH OF THE BABY FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, SHOCKED. MINISTER BOYLE RAISES HIS ARMS IN CELEBRATION.

MB:.Minister Boyle with the drop kick in the final play of the game wins the game for Scotland!

HE TURNS TO THE COUPLE.

MB: So where’s the infant for the baptism?

THE END

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Nghia Mai
Nghia Mai

Written by Nghia Mai

Ireland-based Vietnamese humorist interested in making people of all creeds and species laugh and think. Cultural Ambassador (Whatever that means).

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