Premise
This sketch is about a local minister in an unnamed village in the West of Scotland, who is also a part-time community rugby coach. Because of that, he follows ‘the game they play in heaven’ religiously and hilarity ensues.
MINISTER BOYLE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF CHURCH, CALM, WITH A HYMN BOOK IN HIS HAND.
MB: If you would please turn to our second hymn of the service.
BEAT
MB (singing): O Flower of Scotland, when will we see, your likes again…
REVEAL: MINISTER BOYLE WEARING A PAIR OF RUGBY SHORTS AND BOOTS WITH HIS BLACK SHIRT AND COLLAR.
CONGREGATION MEMBERS ARE LINED UP TO RECEIVE COMMUNION. MINISTER BOYLE MAKES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS OVER THE CONGREGATION MEMBERS AS THEY PASS
MB: Touch, pause, engage. His blood split for us
SQUIRTS LUCOZADE IN THEIR MOUTH
MB: His body broken for us
HE SHOVES AN ORANGE SLICE IN THEIR MOUTHS
MINISTER BOYLE SITS IN FRONT OF AN ALTAR
MB:Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
Tries will come,
Scrums be won,
On the pitch as it is in Heaven.
Give us today a good score
Forgive our eye gouges
As we eye gouge those who play against us
Lead us not to wooden spoon
But deliver us the Calcutta Cup
For thine is the touchdown, the try
And the conversion
In the name of the father, The son
And…BILL MCCLAREN. Amen.
SHOW AN ALTAR WITH A PICTURE OF BILL MCLAREN.
BACK TO:
MB (singing): And stood against him,
Congregation Member: ‘GAINST WHO
MB: Proud Edward’s army,
Congregation Member: WAN-
MINISTER BOYLE PULLS OUT A WHISTLE AND YELLOW CARD.
MB: That’s it, sin bin!
THE OTHER CONGREGATION MEMBERS BOO
CUT TO: CONFESSION BOOTH
THE MINISTER AND A COUPLE STAND OVER A BAPTISMAL FONT. THE COUPLE HAND OVER THE BABY, THEY’RE CHEERY. MINISTER BOYLE HOLDS THE BABY OUT, AND STRAINS AT THE WEIGHT OF IT.
MB: She’s definitely going to be a hooker
Husband: What?
MB: She’s a big fella, ought to be a good ball handler
Wife: Excuse me!
MB: All I’m saying is she’ll be good at being rough with the fellas
HUSBAND AND WIFE STAND IN SHOCK
MB: Yes, she’ll be good in the scrum
THE COUPLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN RELIEF.
A COUPLE APPROACH, THE DAD HAS A BABY UNDER HIS ARM. MINISTER BOYLE RUNS UP TO THEM, STRIPS THE BABY FROM THE DAD LIKE A RUGBY BALL AND HANDS OFF THE DAD.
MB: Minister Boyle has won the ball back in the dying minutes of the game! Scotland only need 3 points to win the game.
THE COUPLE LOOK ON IN HORROR
MB: He’s in the pocket, he takes his chance.
THE COUPLE’S EYES FOLLOW THE PATH OF THE BABY FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, SHOCKED. MINISTER BOYLE RAISES HIS ARMS IN CELEBRATION.
MB:.Minister Boyle with the drop kick in the final play of the game wins the game for Scotland!
HE TURNS TO THE COUPLE.
MB: So where’s the infant for the baptism?
THE END